Sunday 29 January
50 days sober!
RR 30% - danger!

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.
Amen
………
Remember for today: Keep repeating “God’s will” in your mind – ALL the time!
……..
Well as you can see from the very low resolve rating above, I feel in much danger today in terms of acting out. I woke up in the night and that’s when I felt most triggered. Got a good action plan though for today. Meeting some friends this morning. Then HAVE to get to a meeting. Also planning to call my sponsor and do as many outreach calls – and explain how triggered I felt last night in the night and how close my mind was in terms of planning to act out. Also going to do some written step work today that my sponsor wanted me to do. Also important that I keep busy today and don’t try to engage my inner addict in any kind of intellectual debate or argument about whether I should act out or not because my addict always wins them. Only action can save me!

Saturday 28 January
49 days sober (7 weeks sober )
RR 90% (feeling emotionally wound up)

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.
Amen.
………………

Remember for today: Keep repeating “God’s will” in your mind – ALL the time!
…………..

Chuffed and grateful to make it to 7 weeks sober! And that is sober from ALL sexual activity! As you can see from the first part of the blog, I am feeling emotionally wound up this morning. Had an argument with a family member last night. I feel like they were pushing my buttons but nevertheless it takes 2 to argue and I ended up arguing too. It was annoying because after going out for a meal with friends last night I felt like I was on a high before this argument happened. Anyway, short of it is that I am going to clean my side of the street about it today with this family member. I called someone in the fellowship afterwards which was a good move to talk it over. Going to a meeting this morning. So I’m reacting in the right way, I’m in a brilliant 12 step program which can help me so much in life.

Friday 27 January
48 days sober
RR 98%

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.
Amen.
………….

Remember for today: Keep repeating “God’s will” in your mind – all the time!

…………..

So yesterday afternoon/evening I was feeeling a bit triggered. Got to a meeting after work though and it helped me massively – I ended up being filled with joy in the evening. Still very wary which is why I am going to say my RR is still only 98%, but I’ve realised that even when I feel it’s 100% I still need to always be wary because I am always going to be powerless over this. That’s why I will always need to go to 12 step meetings – it’s an “as you go”/day by day solution.

Thursday 26 January
47 days sober
RR 95%

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.
Amen.
…………….
Remember for today: Keep repeating “God’s will” in your mind – all the time!
…………….

God, give me the power to quieten and calm my mind so that I can hear your will. Please direct my decision making at all times, because my previous game plan for living that I came up with myself has produced disastrous results in terms of my happiness and peace of mind. I want you to do my thinking for me, I do not want to analyse decisions in life anymore using my own intellect and thinking.

I offer my work and effort to carry out your directions but please allow my mind to hear your broadcasting beacon which I know is in my soul, which I will always be able to hear if only I can quieten the static and noise of my own ruminations.

………………….

God, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

God, grant that I may seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted.
Seek to understand, rather than to be understood.
Seek to love, rather than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
……………..

Feeling rather groggy and tired this morning. Going to be a seriously cold winter’s day here, but after today it’s going to be a lot warmer for at least couple of weeks (well warmer than today anyway!). Yeah so not the most appealing weather to go to a meeting after work but it’s got to be done! Grateful for 47 days sober and want desperately to keep that run going. Felt like I was having a few triggered thoughts last night about acting out. Nothing too disastrous but I would have to say my RR has dipped below 100% so got to get to a meeting asap.

Wednesday 25 January
46 days sober
RR 100%

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.
Amen
……………..

Remember for today: Keep repeating “God’s will” in your mind – all the time!
……..
Had a realisation just a moment ago. Just after I would act out, at my most sober, a voice would always cry out from inside me saying “This isn’t you”. The addict side of me would think, if I could just kill that voice, if I could effectively just kill my soul then I would have peace of mind. My addict mind would make up nonsense that this soul is a product of my life experience rather than nature, but now I realise that this soul was born inside me. It’s born within everyone. And the idea of “killing” this soul is stupid. It’s the soul that allows us to feel joy, happiness and peace of mind. People do bad things to eachother and act tough, thinking that if they go through enough emotional pain their soul will harden or that little voice that speaks up when they do something bad will go away. We use addictive behaviour be it sex, alcohol, you name it to try to plaster over the cracks. Because the more we try to kill this soul, the more miserable we feel when we are sober. The less peace of mind we have when we are sober.

Apart from that, someone was really pushing my buttons at work yesterday. I felt a lot of painful hurt and sadness over this but I didn’t act out. And I don’t just mean in terms of my bottom lines relating to sex addiction! I mean I kept my side of the street clean – my actions were polite and civil in response. I simply followed God’s will as best I could.